Easy Come, Easy go...

Over the years I have developed a lot of close relationships, and over the years I have lost just as many, most times the same people. So I want to take the time now to analyze what's going on, as I have come to the realization that it probably is me. Let's begin with how I develop these new relationships.

In all reality, the Mac man is a very shy person. I try to avoid large groups, and don't speak up when in the presence of a crowd, unless I'm intimately acquainted with those in the group. Don't get me wrong, the Mac man is not anti-social, nor am I a complete introvert. Rather, it's more like a defense mechanism I developed over the years to buffer my stinging sarcasm. You see, when the Mac man opens his mouth, the truth will come out, good or bad. But, when first meeting somebody that can really turn them off. Since I don't know how to have a conversation without sarcasm, I've just learned how to not have conversation.

Those around me notice that I don't speak, and when they engage me in one-on-one conversation, they find that I am quite an intellectual Black man, with lots of opinions, and knowledge on a vast array of topics (that's what happens when you read people, you become knowledgeable). They begin to notice my maturity level, and self-discipline, and it attracts lots of women towards me (albeit temporarily). But like all first encounters I, just like others, remain very guarded, and monitor closely what I say.

Problem being, months down the road, these people (females especially) realize that I am still just as guarded on day 1 as I am at year one. It's tough to really evolve in a friendship/relationship if the person won't open up. Couple that to my relentless sarcasm/pessimism, and I can be a tough person to deal with.

But, my question is why can nobody see through it? Why do people whom I begin to let near and close to me (although they don't know it) just go running away? Normally there is no warning, no signs, just an abrupt departure from my life. It's killing me on the inside, each loss gets harder and harder, each cycle makes it harder for me to open up to the next person. Yet, I don't know what to do. It's easy to say don't be so sarcastic, but that's who I am, sarcasm is what makes me . Yeah, I'm pessimistic, but I feel as though I have a right, because I do my best to make things better. I run health care forums, coach a little league baseball team, mentor those younger than me, and try to do the best in whatever I do. I'll help anybody who wants to help themselves.

The more I try to turn into a recluse, the more I want somebody close to me to share my feelings with. I can't turn to my friends for help, not only are we all busy, and in different parts of the world, but the majority of my friends have intimate relationships that they are happy with. So, it leaves me alone, with lots of time to think. Sure I could date all day long, I don't have a problem finding a date, but I do have problems finding somebody compatible. I just need some inspiration, something to give me hope that I can make it through this storm.