Trust What?

I think you people don't understand what I'm trying to do here. So with that in mind, I'm always trying to simplify all of my arguments. You know, writing for those of you who can recite all of Biggies' rhymes, but can't the Homer. **If you think I mean the simpsons, please close your broser and head directly to your local library**

Today's discussion is simple. The Mac man has noticed there are two kinds of trust in the world. Type A is the traditional meaning of the word trust. Where someboday has your back, if they give you their word they will do an act, they do it. That person who you feel comfortable with, that tries to make you happy and looks out for your best interest as well as their own. We all got one of those friends, where if you really need something important, and if you need to keep it quiet, that first person you think of.

Type B is that person who you can trust to be exactly who they are. You know the kind of person I mean. That person who you know will get drunk and belligerent everytime you go out. Or that person who will always be late, overdressed, or moody. Somedays that person may be accountable and your dog, there for you in a pinch. However on most days they do the same things that they have always done, and won't really be of any service to you.

My question is, which of these people, person A or person B is better to have around. It's true, everybody wants a friend like person A, that person who really has your back when you are at your lowest point. But, when that person fails you, when you put all of your trust in them, and they let you down, the kind of pain that one feels in intolerable. Because to build that trust with person A, the really have that deep down trust, you have to give up part of yourself, must be vulnerable to that person occasionally. For, isn't that when trust is built, when one is down and out?

Yet person B, although they may never have your back when you need it, they will more than likely never let you down. You don't put as much faith in that person. More than likely, you don't even ask them to do anything outside of their character unless person A is out of town. Isn't the best kind of friend the one who will never let you down?

What kind of trust are you looking for? The kind where you can never get hurt, or the kind where you have to extend yourself into that uncomfortable range, inevitably to be let down?

Growing up

Hey world, it's the Mac man again. I couldn't sleep tonight, and needed to come up with something to do instead of laying in the bed, so I decided to write to the world. Figured it's best to write about what's bothering me. Or rather about one of the many things thats bothering me.

What is it about growing up that makes things change? More than just the physical changes that happen, the beards, muscle growth, the changing shapes. More than just the responsibility, rent, utilities, school, developing a career. The thing thats bothering me now is part my fault, and part of why life is so unfair. Something I may have initiated, but definitely something that I can't control, nor can anybody.

At this point in my life my friends can basically be divided into two categories, the have's, and the have nots. Nothing to do w/ money, or status, or careers, or potential. What seperates these two groups is the presence of love. My friends who have that love, a person who they can trust, depends on, and who loves them back are so much more stable. When the Mac man talks to them they are so blessed, so happy. It's like they have learned how to let the little things go, how to cherish certain things.

Mac man took his show on the road last weekend to NYC to meet up with the other author and co-creator of this site, the homie mudbone. Readers we all know that Mudbone is married, but this weekend he was without wife. Hanging with the homie is always good, but you can definitely see a difference. Arguments w/ Mrs. Mudbone don't cause him much strife, he knows he will make it through. He can rest easy at night, Mudbone is so much calmer now, he talked about him and the wife working as a team, accomplishing things together that he could never get alone. I have never seen him so happy.

Leaving NYC on Friday, I called up the LB Ice Storm. Mac man and Ice storm talk every weekend, it's a tradition, we have been doing it for years now. Ice storm is quite the strange brother. Like myself he has always been single, and like he Mac Man he goes through mood swings. I heard it when he answered the phone. Ice storm seemed mad that I had went to visit Mudbone, he has always been jealous of him, comparing our relationships, then he further went on to attack the Mac Man, called me a video game playing, drunkard, lazy jiggalo. Please believe world Mac man does not stand for that. I just chose to politely hang up, I don't even own a video game system, and the claims of my infidelity are false, of the women he named, the Mac man only had relations with one (at least in the time frame he named).

The stories of Ice Storm and Mudbone are just background for the point I'm really trying to make. When I call my friends, the one thing that I'm more jealous of than anything is love. Big bad wolf, kevlar, ice trey, James Jr., Ms. 1der4L, reverend, all of my friends who I am close with have that special someone in their lives. Don't get me wrong, the Mac man has tried, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for a legend. There have been ones who told me they wanted to love me, but I definitely could never love them. There are those who I have told I love, but they can't find it in their hearts to feel the same way.

When I think of my friends who are without love, I realize those aern't the people who I want to be like. Ice Storm, Bodyguard, Box frame, Big man, people who I would never want to step in their shoes. I'm jealous, how do you take it when the one you love doesn't love you back. Yes, this one likes me, but she don't love the Mac man. Somedays I think she will, seems as though we are moving forward, and others it seems like a waste of my time.

Tonight for example, Mac sexxy (the other name for yours truly) couldn't sleep, and I called up girl number one. Well, as always she talked about herself for hours. But, the new twist is that she did ask about me this time, and how I was feeling. However, old habits die hard, as soon as I tried to open up, to do as she asked, she got sleepy again. What's the point? She wants me to communicate, but when I open up to her she tells me too bad, this is how she is, take it or leave it. If I don't communicate, I can't win because she tells me I'm not trying.

So the Mac man is at a crossroads. I could settle for somebody who loves me, or can love me, but live in eternal unhappiness. Or, stay with the person who I care for, but has no desire to look outside of herself and make me happy. I want love, better yet I want to be in love. But, it seems like just another night I will go be at home sad and lonely.