Growing up

Hey world, it's the Mac man again. I couldn't sleep tonight, and needed to come up with something to do instead of laying in the bed, so I decided to write to the world. Figured it's best to write about what's bothering me. Or rather about one of the many things thats bothering me.

What is it about growing up that makes things change? More than just the physical changes that happen, the beards, muscle growth, the changing shapes. More than just the responsibility, rent, utilities, school, developing a career. The thing thats bothering me now is part my fault, and part of why life is so unfair. Something I may have initiated, but definitely something that I can't control, nor can anybody.

At this point in my life my friends can basically be divided into two categories, the have's, and the have nots. Nothing to do w/ money, or status, or careers, or potential. What seperates these two groups is the presence of love. My friends who have that love, a person who they can trust, depends on, and who loves them back are so much more stable. When the Mac man talks to them they are so blessed, so happy. It's like they have learned how to let the little things go, how to cherish certain things.

Mac man took his show on the road last weekend to NYC to meet up with the other author and co-creator of this site, the homie mudbone. Readers we all know that Mudbone is married, but this weekend he was without wife. Hanging with the homie is always good, but you can definitely see a difference. Arguments w/ Mrs. Mudbone don't cause him much strife, he knows he will make it through. He can rest easy at night, Mudbone is so much calmer now, he talked about him and the wife working as a team, accomplishing things together that he could never get alone. I have never seen him so happy.

Leaving NYC on Friday, I called up the LB Ice Storm. Mac man and Ice storm talk every weekend, it's a tradition, we have been doing it for years now. Ice storm is quite the strange brother. Like myself he has always been single, and like he Mac Man he goes through mood swings. I heard it when he answered the phone. Ice storm seemed mad that I had went to visit Mudbone, he has always been jealous of him, comparing our relationships, then he further went on to attack the Mac Man, called me a video game playing, drunkard, lazy jiggalo. Please believe world Mac man does not stand for that. I just chose to politely hang up, I don't even own a video game system, and the claims of my infidelity are false, of the women he named, the Mac man only had relations with one (at least in the time frame he named).

The stories of Ice Storm and Mudbone are just background for the point I'm really trying to make. When I call my friends, the one thing that I'm more jealous of than anything is love. Big bad wolf, kevlar, ice trey, James Jr., Ms. 1der4L, reverend, all of my friends who I am close with have that special someone in their lives. Don't get me wrong, the Mac man has tried, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for a legend. There have been ones who told me they wanted to love me, but I definitely could never love them. There are those who I have told I love, but they can't find it in their hearts to feel the same way.

When I think of my friends who are without love, I realize those aern't the people who I want to be like. Ice Storm, Bodyguard, Box frame, Big man, people who I would never want to step in their shoes. I'm jealous, how do you take it when the one you love doesn't love you back. Yes, this one likes me, but she don't love the Mac man. Somedays I think she will, seems as though we are moving forward, and others it seems like a waste of my time.

Tonight for example, Mac sexxy (the other name for yours truly) couldn't sleep, and I called up girl number one. Well, as always she talked about herself for hours. But, the new twist is that she did ask about me this time, and how I was feeling. However, old habits die hard, as soon as I tried to open up, to do as she asked, she got sleepy again. What's the point? She wants me to communicate, but when I open up to her she tells me too bad, this is how she is, take it or leave it. If I don't communicate, I can't win because she tells me I'm not trying.

So the Mac man is at a crossroads. I could settle for somebody who loves me, or can love me, but live in eternal unhappiness. Or, stay with the person who I care for, but has no desire to look outside of herself and make me happy. I want love, better yet I want to be in love. But, it seems like just another night I will go be at home sad and lonely.